Confession: It’s My Fault.

I don’t really know what compelled me to write this. I guess I was too fed up in my state of self-pity and loathing that I finally gave in. I stayed away from rants on this blog but I felt like if I didn’t really open up soon then this whole thing wouldn’t feel real. I don’t really know if that makes sense but whatever.

I suppose it all started when I was young and I had to leave my home to go somewhere cold and unforgiving to my childish mental state at the time. (Vague and cryptic, I know, but I don’t think I can bear explaining right now.) The people I’ve known all my life didn’t bat a single eyelash and that confused me. Why didn’t they care? Why are they acting like this? Didn’t I matter? I was angry and confused at the world and at everyone. I locked up my heart in a cold iron box and it hasn’t been opened ever since. I pushed away everyone who came close because I’d rather be alone and lonely instead of drown in my insecurities and get hurt in the end. But what did it matter, I was drowning anyways.

Then I opened up and I was happy but my family always comes first so I pushed that away too. And now I’m back to being a shell of myself, alone, scared, and mad at the world. Mad at myself, for being a coward, mad at my family for taking my happiness away, and mad at my circumstances, even though everyone knows being mad at their circumstances only makes things worse.

Confession: it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone I pushed away because I was scared of getting hurt or any other reason. I’m tired of being alone but I can’t go back.

Confession: I’m tired and heartbroken and lonely and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

love, jane. aka the sort of lost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 5 | Travel

Feeling much better this morning, I convinced myself to make the most of the day. It was a Sunday, so that meant church. I packed for an hour or so and eventually got ready to go to church, which starts at 10:30. After waiting for my sister to get ready, we headed off to church! We sang and danced and had the best time. My friends and I planned to go out to lunch after the service but we weren’t expecting a portion of the worship team to come as well. (Not that that was a bad thing, the more the merrier!) We ate noodles and coffee, played Jenga and cards, and overall laughed a ton.  As the lunch came to a close, a few of us planned to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 the next day.

After going to the grocery store, we drove back home and started packing once again. My room is mostly empty, now. Times like these I wonder why I attached myself to this place when I knew I was leaving soon. However, knowing I made friends with people I knew I would talk to for the rest of my life quickly erased the dread. I recalled this verse I memorized during school, Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  I have a hope. I have a future. God knows my plans and I will not let darkness overcome me again.

photo from YouVersion

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 2 | Travel

Today was going to be a good day. I could feel it in my bones. As I woke up this morning, two hours after I normally do because my phone died which meant to alarm, I prayed to God to give me the strength I needed to get through the day. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, asking for strength. Sometimes I get what I need and sometimes I feel like I’m lacking. But I’ll get through. I always do. Shuffling  toward  my desk I start my routine: eat breakfast while doing a school lesson, cram in as much as I can before we go off on an adventure for the day, and then have some free time. Today, I decided to practice some lettering. I bought my iPad Pro with the salary I earned last year, and felt a sense of pride in buying something for myself on my own.

Hours later, we head off to lunch to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants, Haishen. You know it’s the real deal just by looking at all the Chinese tour buses parked in the front. After we finished, we went to Kuta aka the tourist hot spot. Kuta is relatively known for partying etc., during the night, but during the day it’s like anything else in Bali- beautiful. We were meant to meet with one of our family friends who we call Opa… well, for anonymity, let’s call him Opa Gabe. Opa means grandfather in Indonesian, but it’s also Dutch, because Indonesia was a Dutch colony for over a hundred years. Opa Gabe has been a blessing to our family ever since he stepped into my parents’ café asking for chicken soup. (My mom and sister make the best chicken noodle soup). He saw me studying and asked me what I was doing, where I was from, etc. Turns out, he was familiar with the curriculum I use and that peaked my mother’s attention. They talked and talked, and now, we meet him at least twice a year when he’s in town. We arrived at Lippo Mall Kuta early, in fear of traffic making us late. My mother settled in Maxx Coffee trying to get some work done, while my sisters and I wandered around the mall trying to find a birthday present for a friend who’s party was in a few days. Circling the small mall twice and finding nothing, we went back to the café and found Opa Gabe sitting there. We talked and caught up with each other, while I soaked up any wisdom Opa Gabe will give.

It’s hard for us, but it isn’t hard for God.

The next place you move, you’ll love it. Remember that.

When it comes to relationships, you’re like a zipper. You open yourself up and then close back up. Be careful with how often you do that because your zipper can break. Make sure you’re opening up to the right person.

Be like a turtle, hard on the outside but soft on the inside.

After a quick dinner at Cosmic Burger Diner, we left the mall feeling refreshed and happy. We dropped Opa Gabe off to his hotel and we went grocery shopping at Carrefour to pick up anything we couldn’t find yesterday. You can never just shop at one place in Bali. Every store is just always missing that one important thing you need.

It was already late when we got home, and I went to sleep feeling more happy and hopeful than I had in a while.



 

Hello, friends! Here’s Day 2 of my time in Bali. I hope you enjoyed! I forgot to take pictures today (wow, expert blogger right here!) I hope you don’t mind.

Have a great day, and I’ll see you tomorrow!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Is This Love?? | Jane’s Rambles

Hey, everyone, happy Sunday! I hope you are having a relaxing time with your friends and family. I’ve decided not to keep up with the quotes of the weeks on my blog, but I regularly post quotes on my Instagram, so be sure to follow me there!

Anyways, my parents are in America for the next ten days, and we’re staying at our grandparents’ house until they get back. My parents have never really gotten along with their respective parents. I don’t even know my grandparents on my dad’s side. My mom’s relationship with her parents has been rocky up until a few months ago. We used to live with them and they still didn’t get along. In fact, the drama was probably worse. Which, actually makes sense since we’re all stuck under the same roof.

My grandparents have taken a lot from us. We moved to Indonesia because of them, and there has been so much heartache for all of us in the past six years. Despite them taking a lot, they give a lot too. Material things, though. With material things, they don’t hesitate to give. I admire that from them. I want to give as much as I can, including emotionally giving, instead of taking. If that makes sense.

I’m happy for this time we have with them, even though I do miss my parents. (We’ve been apart from our dad for months at a time but never both of our parents at once.) My sisters and I agreed to make the most of the time we have here and also subtly hinting at how amazing our parents raised us since they were so quick to judge before. We have spent more time with my grandmother and grandfather, (who we call Ama and Akong, which I’m pretty sure is Chinese,) than we have in years. I never thought they loved us. And I never thought I loved them after everything that has happened. But last night, after I took a shower, my grandmother actually dried my hair. This was a huge deal to me because we barely even hug when seeing each other. There was an odd feeling in my chest, as she tenderly touched my hair. And I almost dared to think that that feeling was love. 

I’ve hoped before, and most of the time that hope led to heartache and hurt. I’ve never let that stop me from hoping before, and I won’t let that stop me now. And if I can hope, I know you can too.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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I’m Back! | Jane Rambles

Hey, everyone! I haven’t really been around last month, which is something I really regret. April was a hectic month for my family and I, which is no excuse. Between an impromptu trip to Jakarta which lasted three weeks, deciding to move back to Jakarta, moving back to Jakarta and spending time with friends in Bali while we could left little time to write. I have however, began writing like, six posts that I never finished, so stay tuned for those!

I also wanted to welcome those who joined my journey while I was gone, and those who commented on my posts. These comments honestly made my day.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Heaven is My Home.

Disclaimer: I know everyone is not like this, this is just my observation and my thoughts and opinions on this. Your opinion matters too, so please make sure to share them with me by commenting!

I realized today that this world is an awfully materialistic place. Everyone has to have the latest iPhone, the most expensive name brand clothes, and the best car. Once you have all that, you work harder to get an upgrade of said phone, clothes, and car. I’m not saying don’t shop, believe me, I love shopping (haha), but make sure you know that this world is not your home, you’re just passing through. Don’t get attached to your material things, for your true treasure is in heaven.

What will happen to your things when you leave earth? It’ll all just lay there until someone else deals with it. In fact, when I was younger, I used to think that God would let me bring one earthly thing to heaven but as I grew, I realized everything I need is with Him.

Heaven is our home, so when you feel like you just can’t live without that one item, remember that…

…this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.

Hebrews 13:14 (NKJV)

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer

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Confessions of an Unlost Wanderer.

Confession: I am not new to blogging. Before The Unlost Wanderer, I was known as Jay from TeenageNomad and Jo from XOJO Blog. Both blogs collectively had 300 followers but I still stopped. I don’t even know why. Yes, I was Jay and yes, I was Jo, but there is one person who I will always be and that’s Jane. Jane is my real life name. (I admit that Jay and Jo are wayyy cooler names).

Both blogs have since been deleted but I have files for both blogs and am thinking of posting them here.

I know that this is confusing, but please bear with me. I have made my mark on this world by blogging as Jay and Jo, but it’s time for me to be honest with myself and find myself as Jane. I hope that through this blog I can find my identity as my real self, not by hiding behind a pen name.So,

Hi. My name is Jane. Previously known as Jay and Jo but always have and always will be Jane.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer. aka Jay the TeenageNomad. aka XOJO.

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