Confession: It’s My Fault.

I don’t really know what compelled me to write this. I guess I was too fed up in my state of self-pity and loathing that I finally gave in. I stayed away from rants on this blog but I felt like if I didn’t really open up soon then this whole thing wouldn’t feel real. I don’t really know if that makes sense but whatever.

I suppose it all started when I was young and I had to leave my home to go somewhere cold and unforgiving to my childish mental state at the time. (Vague and cryptic, I know, but I don’t think I can bear explaining right now.) The people I’ve known all my life didn’t bat a single eyelash and that confused me. Why didn’t they care? Why are they acting like this? Didn’t I matter? I was angry and confused at the world and at everyone. I locked up my heart in a cold iron box and it hasn’t been opened ever since. I pushed away everyone who came close because I’d rather be alone and lonely instead of drown in my insecurities and get hurt in the end. But what did it matter, I was drowning anyways.

Then I opened up and I was happy but my family always comes first so I pushed that away too. And now I’m back to being a shell of myself, alone, scared, and mad at the world. Mad at myself, for being a coward, mad at my family for taking my happiness away, and mad at my circumstances, even though everyone knows being mad at their circumstances only makes things worse.

Confession: it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone I pushed away because I was scared of getting hurt or any other reason. I’m tired of being alone but I can’t go back.

Confession: I’m tired and heartbroken and lonely and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

love, jane. aka the sort of lost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 5 | Travel

Feeling much better this morning, I convinced myself to make the most of the day. It was a Sunday, so that meant church. I packed for an hour or so and eventually got ready to go to church, which starts at 10:30. After waiting for my sister to get ready, we headed off to church! We sang and danced and had the best time. My friends and I planned to go out to lunch after the service but we weren’t expecting a portion of the worship team to come as well. (Not that that was a bad thing, the more the merrier!) We ate noodles and coffee, played Jenga and cards, and overall laughed a ton.  As the lunch came to a close, a few of us planned to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 the next day.

After going to the grocery store, we drove back home and started packing once again. My room is mostly empty, now. Times like these I wonder why I attached myself to this place when I knew I was leaving soon. However, knowing I made friends with people I knew I would talk to for the rest of my life quickly erased the dread. I recalled this verse I memorized during school, Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  I have a hope. I have a future. God knows my plans and I will not let darkness overcome me again.

photo from YouVersion

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 4 | Travel

I woke up this morning still having that feeling of dread. I shook it off, though, putting off that feeling until we left. Right now, I would feel nothing but contentedness. Eating the leftover snicker doodle cookie bars for breakfast, I finished my “to-do” list and was shocked to find out that it was nearly eleven o’clock. We decided to eat lunch at Trattoria in Sanur, not far from Café Batu Jimbar. Usually I eat pizza, but today I felt like something a little different. I eventually decided on spaghetti carbonara and some calamari to share with my youngest sister. After we enjoyed our meal, we drove to Mall Bali Galleria in Kuta. We went straight to Ace Hardware to buy a slow cooker, and to Gramedia to finally get that birthday present and to buy a highlighter, since my pink one ran out of ink. (Pink is very important, obviously).

I fell asleep during the ride home and before I knew it, we were back home. It was a particularly hot day, so my sisters and I decided to take a swim. We splashed and played bubbles with my sister’s dog, and for a moment, I felt happy. I realized then that I was eternally grateful to my sisters and that with them around I’ll never truly be alone.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Throne Of Glass by Sarah J Maas | Book Nook Review

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GoodReads Synopsis: After serving out a year of hard labor in the salt mines of Endovier for her crimes, 18-year-old assassin Celaena Sardothien is dragged before the Crown Prince. Prince Dorian offers her her freedom on one condition: she must act as his champion in a competition to find a new royal assassin.

Her opponents are men-thieves and assassins and warriors from across the empire, each sponsored by a member of the king’s council. If she beats her opponents in a series of eliminations, she’ll serve the kingdom for four years and then be granted her freedom. Celaena finds her training sessions with the captain of the guard, Westfall, challenging and exhilarating. But she’s bored stiff by court life. Things get a little more interesting when the prince starts to show interest in her … but it’s the gruff Captain Westfall who seems to understand her best.

Then one of the other contestants turns up dead … quickly followed by another. Can Celaena figure out who the killer is before she becomes a victim? As the young assassin investigates, her search leads her to discover a greater destiny than she could possibly have imagined.

Title: Throne of Glass

Author: Sarah J Maas

Genre: Fantasy, YA, Romance

Length: 407 Pages

Format: Kindle EBook

Throne of Glass has been on my TBR list for a while now, and after reading a sample on Kindle, I finally gave in and bought it.

AND I’M SO GLAD I DID. OH, MY GOODNESS.

If you like books with mystery and adventure, then this is the book for you. This book had me hooked from the beginning and I don’t think I properly talked to my family for the two days I binge-read this book and other works from Sarah J Maas.

I loved how Sarah J Maas intricately laid plot twists throughout the book, and everything was extremely well thought out.

Thoughts on Characters:

Celaena was a character I admired from the beginning with her stubbornness, wit, her will to fight for what she wants and her perseverance. She was dealt with so much in her short life, things no person ever should, yet she kept going and never gave up even when I thought she would.

Chaol and Dorian have a special relationship that I wish I had. Chaol will protect Dorian with all that he is and Dorian would do the same, and despite their differences, they always work it out in the end. I know people ship Celaena with Chaol or Celaena with Dorian but I’m holding back on those because I know who she ends up with. (Thanks, internet for the spoilers… Note the sarcasm…)

I had my reservations about Nehemia, but she came through in the end and had some special moments with Celaena that even I teared up at.

And Fleetfoot! Oh, Fleetfoot, so pure and innocent in this weirdly unpredictable world. I read that she was the only character guaranteed to live so that’s a plus.

Conclusion:

I would rate this book a solid 4.5 stars out of 5 and I’m super excited to read the other books in the series. I already bought the other four books in the series so get ready for some other reviews, ha-ha.

Sarah J Maas is definitely one of my new favorite authors. I’m in total awe of her work and how she can create such magnificent worlds. Definitely check her work out, I’ve read the A Court of Thorn and Roses Series and am absolutely obsessed.

That’s all for this review, I hope you enjoyed and if you’ve read the book, let me know what you thought of it! Who do you ship the characters with, and what’s your favorite part of the book?

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Is This Love?? | Jane’s Rambles

Hey, everyone, happy Sunday! I hope you are having a relaxing time with your friends and family. I’ve decided not to keep up with the quotes of the weeks on my blog, but I regularly post quotes on my Instagram, so be sure to follow me there!

Anyways, my parents are in America for the next ten days, and we’re staying at our grandparents’ house until they get back. My parents have never really gotten along with their respective parents. I don’t even know my grandparents on my dad’s side. My mom’s relationship with her parents has been rocky up until a few months ago. We used to live with them and they still didn’t get along. In fact, the drama was probably worse. Which, actually makes sense since we’re all stuck under the same roof.

My grandparents have taken a lot from us. We moved to Indonesia because of them, and there has been so much heartache for all of us in the past six years. Despite them taking a lot, they give a lot too. Material things, though. With material things, they don’t hesitate to give. I admire that from them. I want to give as much as I can, including emotionally giving, instead of taking. If that makes sense.

I’m happy for this time we have with them, even though I do miss my parents. (We’ve been apart from our dad for months at a time but never both of our parents at once.) My sisters and I agreed to make the most of the time we have here and also subtly hinting at how amazing our parents raised us since they were so quick to judge before. We have spent more time with my grandmother and grandfather, (who we call Ama and Akong, which I’m pretty sure is Chinese,) than we have in years. I never thought they loved us. And I never thought I loved them after everything that has happened. But last night, after I took a shower, my grandmother actually dried my hair. This was a huge deal to me because we barely even hug when seeing each other. There was an odd feeling in my chest, as she tenderly touched my hair. And I almost dared to think that that feeling was love. 

I’ve hoped before, and most of the time that hope led to heartache and hurt. I’ve never let that stop me from hoping before, and I won’t let that stop me now. And if I can hope, I know you can too.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Count Your Blessings Part I | Faith

Things are changing, changing fast. My glass is half empty and there’s nowhere for me to go but down.  Or so I thought. This time, I’m not going down that path. I refuse to. This time, I’m going to turn to God and count my blessings.

This is going to be a new…segment on my blog. (Is segment the right word? I know there’s another one but I can’t remember it!) When I am feeling down, I will turn to God and be thankful, rather than turning to somewhere else and feel sorry for myself.

I’m thinking to just number some things I’m thankful for/blessings in my life, I honestly haven’t thought things through.

  1. My family. We all have our faults and though we don’t always see eye to eye, I am so eternally blessed by them.
  2. My bed.
  3. My schooling.
  4. My favorite backpack.
  5. My Kindle.
  6. Friends that stick together and who are loyal.
  7. Quizlet.
  8. Jesus Christ, for dying for my sins and for always being there for me.
  9. Stationary, because they make life so much easier.
  10. Online classes.
  11. Blogging.
  12. Technology.
  13. Air conditioning.
  14. Electricity.
  15. Art.
  16. Books and movies, that help me escape reality.
  17. Video tutorials.
  18. The Internet.
  19. My room.
  20. Being able to travel.

I suppose 20 things are good for now! I know a bunch of things are totally random and little, but it’s the little things that count.

What are you grateful for?

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven | Book Review #5

Goodreads Synopsis: When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school, it’s unclear who saves whom. And when they pair up on a project to discover the “natural wonders” of their state, both Finch and Violet make more important discoveries: It’s only with Violet that Finch can be himself—a weird, funny, live-out-loud guy who’s not such a freak after all. And it’s only with Finch that Violet can forget to count away the days and start living them. But as Violet’s world grows, Finch’s begins to shrink.

“You are all the colors in one at full brightness.”

I was skeptical to read this book at first for reasons that I can’t really explain. I suppose this was me literally judging a book by its cover, but I read Amy’s review on this book and decided, why not? It’s a book, it wouldn’t hurt to read it.

I WAS SO WRONG.

I should’ve seen it coming, I thought it wouldn’t affect me because I often detach myself when reading books so I won’t get too attached to characters. (Weird, I know,) But it was all for nothing because it’s impossible to not grow fond of Finch.

Violet and Finch both have had their fair share of struggles, and like Amy said, even as their friendship grows, they’re still struggling. This isn’t the kind of book where they meet and everything bad goes away. I love that about this book. They struggle together, but they can’t heal each other.

This book is beautiful, unique, and well-thought out. Violet and Finch’s relationship begins in the most unconventional way, but it fits with the book. There are plenty of parts that will bring smiles and plenty of parts that bring tears. (The part with the paint wrecked me.)

I knew from the first chapter that this book will break my heart and it did, but it’s okay because in the end, well, the end, I’ll let you see for yourself.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer

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ps- make sure to check out Amy’s blog! She’s the best!

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