Confession: It’s My Fault.

I don’t really know what compelled me to write this. I guess I was too fed up in my state of self-pity and loathing that I finally gave in. I stayed away from rants on this blog but I felt like if I didn’t really open up soon then this whole thing wouldn’t feel real. I don’t really know if that makes sense but whatever.

I suppose it all started when I was young and I had to leave my home to go somewhere cold and unforgiving to my childish mental state at the time. (Vague and cryptic, I know, but I don’t think I can bear explaining right now.) The people I’ve known all my life didn’t bat a single eyelash and that confused me. Why didn’t they care? Why are they acting like this? Didn’t I matter? I was angry and confused at the world and at everyone. I locked up my heart in a cold iron box and it hasn’t been opened ever since. I pushed away everyone who came close because I’d rather be alone and lonely instead of drown in my insecurities and get hurt in the end. But what did it matter, I was drowning anyways.

Then I opened up and I was happy but my family always comes first so I pushed that away too. And now I’m back to being a shell of myself, alone, scared, and mad at the world. Mad at myself, for being a coward, mad at my family for taking my happiness away, and mad at my circumstances, even though everyone knows being mad at their circumstances only makes things worse.

Confession: it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone I pushed away because I was scared of getting hurt or any other reason. I’m tired of being alone but I can’t go back.

Confession: I’m tired and heartbroken and lonely and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

love, jane. aka the sort of lost wanderer.

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May Favorites!

*Featured image taken in the Marina Bay Sands ‘Future Now’ Exhibition, Singapore

I know it’s already mid-June, but I figured it wouldn’t be too late for a May favorites post. I actually really enjoy these types of posts/videos, and it’ll be my first “Favorites” post on this blog! I hope you enjoy!

First off, I’m going to start with Beauty.

Last month, my sisters and I stayed with our grandparents for a couple of weeks. Unlike my family, my grandparents live an extravagant life. I figured that while we were there I might as well use a little more makeup to “fit in”.  There are only a few things in this category, since I only really used these things for two weeks.

bareMinerals ORIGINAL Foundation, Mineral Veil, and Concealer.

I actually really loved using this foundation. I’ve only ever used liquid foundation before, so this powder foundation was a breath of fresh air. It was so light on my skin, and it honestly felt like I wasn’t wearing three layers of makeup at all.

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I got these last year when my mom told me to get a job. I look like I’m twelve as opposed to seventeen, so I had to cheat a little in order to look older.

I used the shade medium beige for foundation, the Original Mineral Veil, and the Well-Rested Concealer.

Urban Decay Travel-Size Eyeshadow Primer Potion. This stuff is magic. Seriously.

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Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner Duo in Black Ink and Sepia Ink. I was gifted these amazing jars of wonder last year and I’ve been wearing them ever since. Especially during the last month. This eyeliner is extremely smooth, pigmented, and is super easy to apply.

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ChapStick Total Hydration (Soothing Oasis). This little bottle of lip balm was a lifesaver. I bought one of these last year during the winter in America, (my Indonesian weather loving body never gets used the the winter, my lips become chapped, hair frizzy, and skin dry. Yuck.) I already used up a bottle and had asked my parents to bring me back another. Give this a try; it’ll work wonders.

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Tech.

I’m not a tech-savvy person. It’s a wonder why I started this blog, honestly. Anyways, the first thing in the category is…

Phone rings! I know, I know, I gave into the trend but these are so great. They’re super convenient, and they’re cute. Although, I may have to get another one because mine is falling apart. Curse you, ring-spinning habit.

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please excuse my paint-stained desk!

OverDrive. This app/website is amazing. You connect your app to your library card(s) and you’ll be able to access your local library’s eBooks and audiobooks! And the best part, it’s completely free.

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Computer Sticky Notes. I have no idea why I didn’t take advantage of these before, but here they are, all over my desktop.

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Also, I have no idea if YouTube is a part of Tech or not, but what the heck, I’ll add it anyways.

Liza Koshy and David Dobrik. These two people are the funniest people ever. Watching their videos make my day; I can never not have a smile on my face when I watch their videos.

Music.

Bethel Music. I’m not a huge music lover, but this month, I’ve been obsessed with Bethel Music. Their lyrics are so well-written, and I can’t help but stop whatever I’m doing at the moment to just sing my heart out when their music comes on.

Tori Kelly. I’ve always been a fan of Tori Kelly’s music, but when I heard her singing worship music from a few years ago, I loved her even more. You could hear the humility and the love she has for Christ in her voice.

Books.

Throne of Glass and A Court of Thorns and Roses, by Sarah J Maas. I love both of these books soooo much. Head on over to both my reviews to read on instead of just watching me ramble on and on, haha.

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my Throne of Glass review // my A Court of Thorns and Roses review

Well, that’s all I’ve got for my My Favorites post, I hope you enjoyed! If you have used/read/watched/listened/etc to anything listed here let me know, I’d love to read your opinions as well!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Is This Love?? | Jane’s Rambles

Hey, everyone, happy Sunday! I hope you are having a relaxing time with your friends and family. I’ve decided not to keep up with the quotes of the weeks on my blog, but I regularly post quotes on my Instagram, so be sure to follow me there!

Anyways, my parents are in America for the next ten days, and we’re staying at our grandparents’ house until they get back. My parents have never really gotten along with their respective parents. I don’t even know my grandparents on my dad’s side. My mom’s relationship with her parents has been rocky up until a few months ago. We used to live with them and they still didn’t get along. In fact, the drama was probably worse. Which, actually makes sense since we’re all stuck under the same roof.

My grandparents have taken a lot from us. We moved to Indonesia because of them, and there has been so much heartache for all of us in the past six years. Despite them taking a lot, they give a lot too. Material things, though. With material things, they don’t hesitate to give. I admire that from them. I want to give as much as I can, including emotionally giving, instead of taking. If that makes sense.

I’m happy for this time we have with them, even though I do miss my parents. (We’ve been apart from our dad for months at a time but never both of our parents at once.) My sisters and I agreed to make the most of the time we have here and also subtly hinting at how amazing our parents raised us since they were so quick to judge before. We have spent more time with my grandmother and grandfather, (who we call Ama and Akong, which I’m pretty sure is Chinese,) than we have in years. I never thought they loved us. And I never thought I loved them after everything that has happened. But last night, after I took a shower, my grandmother actually dried my hair. This was a huge deal to me because we barely even hug when seeing each other. There was an odd feeling in my chest, as she tenderly touched my hair. And I almost dared to think that that feeling was love. 

I’ve hoped before, and most of the time that hope led to heartache and hurt. I’ve never let that stop me from hoping before, and I won’t let that stop me now. And if I can hope, I know you can too.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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I’m Back! | Jane Rambles

Hey, everyone! I haven’t really been around last month, which is something I really regret. April was a hectic month for my family and I, which is no excuse. Between an impromptu trip to Jakarta which lasted three weeks, deciding to move back to Jakarta, moving back to Jakarta and spending time with friends in Bali while we could left little time to write. I have however, began writing like, six posts that I never finished, so stay tuned for those!

I also wanted to welcome those who joined my journey while I was gone, and those who commented on my posts. These comments honestly made my day.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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That Time I Ate a Cow Tongue | Jane’s Rambles

Okay, I guess I should explain.  A few years ago, when we were still in California, some family friends came from Indonesia and we all went on a road trip to San Fransisco. But of course, we just had to make a quick detour to Las Vegas.

We had a great time, we went shopping and went everywhere you could in Vegas with a group of girls ranging from sixteen to seven. Some of the clothes I still wear even now. I guess you can say that I haven’t grown since then, haha.

On our last night there, we stopped for dinner at a random Japanese restaurant and we split tables, between parents and kids. I don’t really remember what we talked about, but I remember laughing until we couldn’t breathe, and teasing and just pure happiness. I remember being so happy, that when the grown-ups dared me to eat a cow tongue, I did.

I don’t know what brought on this memory. Maybe it was just me trying to look back in my life trying to find some happy, some it was me trying to look at what life was like when things were easier. When things were simpler.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Things I Totally Suck At. | Jane’s Rambles

I was watching a video today, and somehow, the topic of knitting came up. Now, I’m really bad at knitting. Like so bad, that both my cousin and best friend tried to teach me and they gave up after five minutes. After I re-lived my short knitting experience, I thought what else am I bad at?

Here are a few things that came to mind:

  1. Public Speaking. *Shudders* No, thank you!
  2. Small Talk. I realized that Americans are so great at small talk. The very first day I came back from Indonesia, we went to Target and the cashier tried to make small talk with me. I was so taken aback and surprised by it that I just stood there and stuttered like the bozo that I am, haha. (Cashiers in Indonesia don’t talk to you, like at all. Sometimes they don’t even tell you the total, they just stand there and wait for you to hand them money. ps- no hate to any cashiers in Indonesia, it’s just what I’m used to.)
  3. Technology. I don’t even know how I managed to get this blog going. I can’t even work my dad’s Samsung phone.
  4. Sports. I’m literally the clumsiest person alive. I’ll probably kick the soccer ball in my own team’s net. Throw a ball at me, and it’s most likely I won’t catch it. (I actually played volleyball for a few years so that’s probably why. I just happen to have chosen a sport where catching the ball is against the rules. Ha, yeah, let’s go with that.) As you can probably tell by now, I’m terrible at anything physical, including walking. A ballerina’s pinky toe probably has more grace than my whole entire body. Come to think of it, I think I trip more when I’m wearing sandals than when I’m wearing heels.
  5. Sleeping Early. Okay, this is a habit more than anything, but I guess I’m just one of those people who you’ll find wide awake at three in the morning.
  6. Memorization. I have the weirdest memory. A lot of times I won’t remember chunks of my life. Like, my middle school years are honestly fuzzy. And that wasn’t all that long ago. I remember everything before that pretty well, though!

These are just a few things I’m bad at. There are wayyy too many to write. I guess I just wanted to remind myself and anyone who’s reading that it’s okay to not be good at everything. You aren’t perfect, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m not saying that you should give up on trying to improve, I just want you to know that you are amazing just the way you are. These imperfections make you, you. Without them, we’d all be boring robots. And we all know from movies that robots taking over the world will never end well.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Jeremiah 1:4-5 (NKJV)

Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Quote of the Week | April 9, 2017

Hello, all! Happy Sunday! I hope you all had a fantastic week, and I hope you have an even better one this week.

This week’s quote is actually a Bible verse, but I’m pretty sure that counts as a quote.

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thesalonians 5:17

I don’t know about you, but when I am stuck in a rut my first reaction isn’t to pray. I know that’s not the right thing to do, but I’m working on it. I will pray without ceasing. I hope you will too!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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