Confession: It’s My Fault.

I don’t really know what compelled me to write this. I guess I was too fed up in my state of self-pity and loathing that I finally gave in. I stayed away from rants on this blog but I felt like if I didn’t really open up soon then this whole thing wouldn’t feel real. I don’t really know if that makes sense but whatever.

I suppose it all started when I was young and I had to leave my home to go somewhere cold and unforgiving to my childish mental state at the time. (Vague and cryptic, I know, but I don’t think I can bear explaining right now.) The people I’ve known all my life didn’t bat a single eyelash and that confused me. Why didn’t they care? Why are they acting like this? Didn’t I matter? I was angry and confused at the world and at everyone. I locked up my heart in a cold iron box and it hasn’t been opened ever since. I pushed away everyone who came close because I’d rather be alone and lonely instead of drown in my insecurities and get hurt in the end. But what did it matter, I was drowning anyways.

Then I opened up and I was happy but my family always comes first so I pushed that away too. And now I’m back to being a shell of myself, alone, scared, and mad at the world. Mad at myself, for being a coward, mad at my family for taking my happiness away, and mad at my circumstances, even though everyone knows being mad at their circumstances only makes things worse.

Confession: it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone I pushed away because I was scared of getting hurt or any other reason. I’m tired of being alone but I can’t go back.

Confession: I’m tired and heartbroken and lonely and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

love, jane. aka the sort of lost wanderer.

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May Favorites!

*Featured image taken in the Marina Bay Sands ‘Future Now’ Exhibition, Singapore

I know it’s already mid-June, but I figured it wouldn’t be too late for a May favorites post. I actually really enjoy these types of posts/videos, and it’ll be my first “Favorites” post on this blog! I hope you enjoy!

First off, I’m going to start with Beauty.

Last month, my sisters and I stayed with our grandparents for a couple of weeks. Unlike my family, my grandparents live an extravagant life. I figured that while we were there I might as well use a little more makeup to “fit in”.  There are only a few things in this category, since I only really used these things for two weeks.

bareMinerals ORIGINAL Foundation, Mineral Veil, and Concealer.

I actually really loved using this foundation. I’ve only ever used liquid foundation before, so this powder foundation was a breath of fresh air. It was so light on my skin, and it honestly felt like I wasn’t wearing three layers of makeup at all.

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I got these last year when my mom told me to get a job. I look like I’m twelve as opposed to seventeen, so I had to cheat a little in order to look older.

I used the shade medium beige for foundation, the Original Mineral Veil, and the Well-Rested Concealer.

Urban Decay Travel-Size Eyeshadow Primer Potion. This stuff is magic. Seriously.

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Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner Duo in Black Ink and Sepia Ink. I was gifted these amazing jars of wonder last year and I’ve been wearing them ever since. Especially during the last month. This eyeliner is extremely smooth, pigmented, and is super easy to apply.

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ChapStick Total Hydration (Soothing Oasis). This little bottle of lip balm was a lifesaver. I bought one of these last year during the winter in America, (my Indonesian weather loving body never gets used the the winter, my lips become chapped, hair frizzy, and skin dry. Yuck.) I already used up a bottle and had asked my parents to bring me back another. Give this a try; it’ll work wonders.

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Tech.

I’m not a tech-savvy person. It’s a wonder why I started this blog, honestly. Anyways, the first thing in the category is…

Phone rings! I know, I know, I gave into the trend but these are so great. They’re super convenient, and they’re cute. Although, I may have to get another one because mine is falling apart. Curse you, ring-spinning habit.

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please excuse my paint-stained desk!

OverDrive. This app/website is amazing. You connect your app to your library card(s) and you’ll be able to access your local library’s eBooks and audiobooks! And the best part, it’s completely free.

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Computer Sticky Notes. I have no idea why I didn’t take advantage of these before, but here they are, all over my desktop.

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Also, I have no idea if YouTube is a part of Tech or not, but what the heck, I’ll add it anyways.

Liza Koshy and David Dobrik. These two people are the funniest people ever. Watching their videos make my day; I can never not have a smile on my face when I watch their videos.

Music.

Bethel Music. I’m not a huge music lover, but this month, I’ve been obsessed with Bethel Music. Their lyrics are so well-written, and I can’t help but stop whatever I’m doing at the moment to just sing my heart out when their music comes on.

Tori Kelly. I’ve always been a fan of Tori Kelly’s music, but when I heard her singing worship music from a few years ago, I loved her even more. You could hear the humility and the love she has for Christ in her voice.

Books.

Throne of Glass and A Court of Thorns and Roses, by Sarah J Maas. I love both of these books soooo much. Head on over to both my reviews to read on instead of just watching me ramble on and on, haha.

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my Throne of Glass review // my A Court of Thorns and Roses review

Well, that’s all I’ve got for my My Favorites post, I hope you enjoyed! If you have used/read/watched/listened/etc to anything listed here let me know, I’d love to read your opinions as well!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 8-12 | Travel

The rest of my time in Bali blurred together as I packed, babysat, wandered around the island soaking up all the beauty, and spent any spare minute I could with friends. I know I’ll never forget these moments as I grow up. Going to church for the last time was filled with hugs and laughs as we all masked our disappointment. We even went out to lunch with Kat, Jax, and Lyssa. We realized that every time we went somewhere after church, it was with this original group, and every time we’re so tired we’re all delirious, acting crazy and talking nonsense. I remember looking at this group of friends feeling a sudden surge of hope in my chest. I went so long thinking I’ll never make friends to suddenly having three great ones.

All the way up till our last day, I had the time of my life. Even if there were times I broke down and gave into the feeling of hopelessness, realizing I’m leaving the place where my whole life consisted, yet again. I pushed that aside, though. I refuse to feel that way. This move will be good for my family and I, I repeated in my head. This is good. 

As days of bowling, bird parks, and escape rooms past, and the day of the move looms closer, we put the finishing touches on our house. I went outside to take a Polaroid photo of the home we lived in for the past two years, smiling at all the memories. I realized that I am more than satisfied with the time we spent here. Staring at my house, I looked back at the memories forever engraved in my head: the beach, friends, church and ministry, stepping out of my comfort zone, and feeling and being closer to God than I ever had before. And later, sitting on the plane towards Jakarta, I can finally start feeling excited for the new adventures waiting for me there.

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Wow! The last post of the Bali Musings series. I hope you all enjoyed, I know I have! I hope you didn’t mind the ups and downs of my emotions over the week, this was literally my inner monologue during this time.

This was the place of many firsts for me, and I was so glad it was here. Living in Bali was never meant to be permanent, and so is living in Jakarta. I guess growing up in this certain lifestyle affected my way of feeling and allowing myself to feel accepted and that I belonged. Unfortunately for me, as I began to feel that way I only had a few months left, only I didn’t know it yet. I hope I can feel that way in Jakarta again. I hope I won’t allow myself to build walls around my heart so tall that it takes years to break them down again. I hope I let people in, even though I know I’ll leave again.

Bye for now, Bali.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 7 | Travel

This morning was filled with chaos and stress. With the moving truck coming in only three days, we rushed to touch up anything that was worn out from use. As we finished, we made plans with some friends who are visiting from California to attend a wedding. We ate lunch and had ice cream, laughing at their four year old son’s antics. He insists on calling me “Tante” which is usually reserved for close friends who have children. (Don’t worry, you won’t find me having a child at age sixteen.)

Since they had just arrived that day, we took them to a supermarket where they can go to the ATM, and buy water and snacks. As we were saying our goodbyes for now, (I’ll be babysitting their son in few days,) Jax’s mom and sister came in, who is also one of my friends. Let’s call her Kat. Kat and her mom were waiting for Jax to finish a lesson, so they decided to shop and eat at the little café they have there. We introduced Kat and her mom to our friends and before long, our friends left to go to their hotel and we were left with Kat and her mom. Jax came when he was finished and we all made plans to watch a movie the next day.

We went home and I watched my youngest sister swim while my other sister made dinner and my mom went off doing who-knows-what. After my sister finished swimming, I settled into bed getting ready to watch some YouTube videos. The perfect end to a perfect day, well, minus the chaos and stress part!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 6 | Travel

It was nearly 2:30 when excitement came today. We were off to pick up a few friends to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Let’s call them Maile and Lyssa. Another one of our friends, let’s call him Jaxon, was already at the mall and had bought our tickets. We picked up Maile, Lyssa, and Lyssa’s mom,  because she’s a friend of my mom’s and decided to hang out together while they waited for us to finish watching. Squishing into the car, (my two sisters were there as well,) we laughed and joked while my younger sister did Maile and Lyssa’s nails in the back seat. The movie was at 4:00 but it was about 3:20 when we got there. Lyssa and I went off to buy snacks the sneak in the theater, while Maile and my sister decided to sit down somewhere to finish doing their nails. Meeting Jax at the theater, I bought Maile her popcorn, since her nails were still wet.

The movie was like a rollercoaster of emotions, which was suprisring to me, since this was a superhero movie. Jax made fun of all my emotions during the movie but it’s okay because that movie was amazing. (Baby Groot is SO cute.) We stayed until after the credits because Marvel gave us trust issues and after the credits ended, we went to find our moms. We found them at a restaurant where we would eventually get all our nails done by my sister. Including Jax but that wasn’t even the first time, haha. Leaving the mall, we dropped Maile and Lyssa home but I still felt empty inside. Don’t get me wrong, I had the best time ever and I love all my friends dearly, but this feeling still keeps coming back. Maybe that’s just me pulling away emotionally before I get hurt. It’s happened before and I won’t be surprised if it happens again.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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ps- sorry for the lack of photos lately! wordpress isn’t letting me upload them for some reason!

Bali Musings Day 5 | Travel

Feeling much better this morning, I convinced myself to make the most of the day. It was a Sunday, so that meant church. I packed for an hour or so and eventually got ready to go to church, which starts at 10:30. After waiting for my sister to get ready, we headed off to church! We sang and danced and had the best time. My friends and I planned to go out to lunch after the service but we weren’t expecting a portion of the worship team to come as well. (Not that that was a bad thing, the more the merrier!) We ate noodles and coffee, played Jenga and cards, and overall laughed a ton.  As the lunch came to a close, a few of us planned to watch Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 the next day.

After going to the grocery store, we drove back home and started packing once again. My room is mostly empty, now. Times like these I wonder why I attached myself to this place when I knew I was leaving soon. However, knowing I made friends with people I knew I would talk to for the rest of my life quickly erased the dread. I recalled this verse I memorized during school, Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  I have a hope. I have a future. God knows my plans and I will not let darkness overcome me again.

photo from YouVersion

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 4 | Travel

I woke up this morning still having that feeling of dread. I shook it off, though, putting off that feeling until we left. Right now, I would feel nothing but contentedness. Eating the leftover snicker doodle cookie bars for breakfast, I finished my “to-do” list and was shocked to find out that it was nearly eleven o’clock. We decided to eat lunch at Trattoria in Sanur, not far from Café Batu Jimbar. Usually I eat pizza, but today I felt like something a little different. I eventually decided on spaghetti carbonara and some calamari to share with my youngest sister. After we enjoyed our meal, we drove to Mall Bali Galleria in Kuta. We went straight to Ace Hardware to buy a slow cooker, and to Gramedia to finally get that birthday present and to buy a highlighter, since my pink one ran out of ink. (Pink is very important, obviously).

I fell asleep during the ride home and before I knew it, we were back home. It was a particularly hot day, so my sisters and I decided to take a swim. We splashed and played bubbles with my sister’s dog, and for a moment, I felt happy. I realized then that I was eternally grateful to my sisters and that with them around I’ll never truly be alone.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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