You’re no good.
You know that thing you’ve worked so hard on? Nobody cares.
You’re poison to everything you touch.
Why do you even bother?
Enough. God, enough.
There are times in life where everything seems like it’s falling apart. Where little drops of doubt fill up and overflow the basin we call our heart. Where the only feeling you can feel is confusion, and loss. Nothing you do seems good enough and the insecurity becomes too much to bear. You’re in that constant hole of shame and grief that you can’t seem to crawl out of, no matter how hard you try. You feel helpless and alone. Scared and just plain worthless.
This was me last month.
There was the cloud of doubt around my head and I couldn’t shake it off. This happens to me about a few times every couple of months, sometimes happening longer than others, but last month was the worst spell I’ve had in a while. Maybe it was because the weight of realization that I was really alone in Jakarta finally fell on me, or maybe it was just because I’m not sure how to keep my friendships going with those I left in Bali. Maybe it was because I found out something so, so, so terrible, my heart couldn’t handle it anymore. (More on that later.) Whatever it was, it was awful, and I don’t want to go through it again.
It’s the little drops of doubt that begin to take a toll on you. Doubt that you’re not good enough. The doubt that no one likes you. The doubt that you’ll never finish school in time, and that you’ll be alone in the world because of it. (I say “you” in this post, but I really mean “me”)
It was social media that was the nail in the coffin for me. Always has been, always will be. It’s hard to remember that everything depicted in social media is the highlight of people’s lives, when everything I see are pictures of my friends thousands of miles away, all around the world, having fun, smiling, carefree while enjoying their summer. While I’m here, stuck at home, stress eating Balinese food, rushing to finish the eleventh grade. (Hopefully by the end of next week, wish me luck!) And now I think my friend is upset with me. I don’t really know why, I was messaging her when she started replying back oddly. Then silence for a few weeks, then “hey”. We chatted for a little bit, and then I couldn’t take it anymore and said,”are you okay?” Because I’m really worried. I don’t know if it was me, and if it was, what did I do? It’s been three days and she hasn’t replied, so I deleted our chat so I couldn’t stew over it anymore.
Last Thursday I woke up deciding that my pity party has gone long enough. It’s time to move on, and I couldn’t avoid my problems by reading and becoming someone else, even if it was for a few hours. I shouted at any drop of doubt that came my way, telling it to go to back to hell, since that’s where it came from in the first place. There’s something oddly satisfying about mentally yelling at your doubts and insecurities, telling them to go to hell, and not letting it bother you. I’ll let them roll off my back. I’ll let the new rain fall on me, washing away all the anguish so I can start fresh.
I won’t let those things ruin me anymore. I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my friend, but I’m stronger now. I’m stronger now.
love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.