Imperfections.

It’s nice to say that nobody’s perfect to justify that I’m not and I could never be perfect, but here I am trying to be anyways. But it’s true. I’m not. And I can never be.

I’m not perfect.

I flake out because I’m scared to go out of my comfort zone.

I’m not reliable in all the ways that matter.

I’m the not social butterfly I wish so much I could be.

I’m not consistent.

I can’t make decisions in everyday life.

I think too much or I don’t think at all which leads to fricking stupid decisions that I wish I would take back. (For example: deleting my first two blogs and all that content I worked so hard on)

And I’m a runner. I run away at the first sign of me possibly getting hurt. Which is so dumb and selfish and cowardly I can’t live with myself. Because while running trust is broken and trust is so hard to rebuild when you feel sorry and you come running back. God, I wish I can take it all back.

But I can’t. What’s done is done. And I’m done playing the victim. I’ll live up to my actions and fix what I broke. Hopefully.

I’m not perfect and that’s okay. But that doesn’t mean I could sit on my bum all day and not do anything in my power to improve. I’ll be a better version of myself, I’ll make sure of it.

love, jane. the unlost wanderer.

the unlost book nook

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The Unlost Book Nook!

Hey, guys! It’s been a minute since I’ve done my last book review, but I wanted to do something different and create and entire site dedicated just for books.

This site will be called The Unlost Book Nook.

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This’ll be the place for all thing books, so reviews, random thoughts, and basically just freaking out over fictional characters. Wanna come with? I was hoping to do some collaborations on this site. So if any of you are interested, let me know!

I hope you come and visit me over at The Unlost Book Nook!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Hot Chocolate. #LifeUpdate

I don’t really know how to start this post, but I would like to thank Karissa and LonelyMeme for their encouraging words on my last post. You guys are seriously the best.

I know the habit of bottling everything up isn’t a very good habit but old habits die hard. Writing everything I was feeling yesterday help a lot, so thank you to everyone who listened, or well, read.

However, now that I’m feeling a lot better mentally, I’m feeling rather awful physically. So instead of studying the day away, I’m laying on my bed with this horrid headache and my throat feels like a cheese grater had a field day scratching it up. But on top of that, cramps. Ugh.

I spent the first half of the day studying, but my parents made me stop since I looked dead on my feet. So since I couldn’t study, (sounds like I actually want to study, but I just want to be done with high school and I’m behind,) I figured I should just read the fourth book of the Throne of Glass series, Queen of Shadows. I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty confused, but *shrugs*.  I treated myself with a cup of special hot chocolate because I figured I deserved it. I say special chocolate because my parents brought those special packs of hot chocolate from America. Trust me, Indonesian hot chocolate sucks. So here I am, sitting alone at our dining table drinking hot chocolate and eating pandan cake and contemplating making a taco (because Mexican food makes everything better,) at three-thirty in the afternoon.

But it’s not so bad I suppose. Today, in comparison to yesterday, is a good day.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Confession: It’s My Fault.

I don’t really know what compelled me to write this. I guess I was too fed up in my state of self-pity and loathing that I finally gave in. I stayed away from rants on this blog but I felt like if I didn’t really open up soon then this whole thing wouldn’t feel real. I don’t really know if that makes sense but whatever.

I suppose it all started when I was young and I had to leave my home to go somewhere cold and unforgiving to my childish mental state at the time. (Vague and cryptic, I know, but I don’t think I can bear explaining right now.) The people I’ve known all my life didn’t bat a single eyelash and that confused me. Why didn’t they care? Why are they acting like this? Didn’t I matter? I was angry and confused at the world and at everyone. I locked up my heart in a cold iron box and it hasn’t been opened ever since. I pushed away everyone who came close because I’d rather be alone and lonely instead of drown in my insecurities and get hurt in the end. But what did it matter, I was drowning anyways.

Then I opened up and I was happy but my family always comes first so I pushed that away too. And now I’m back to being a shell of myself, alone, scared, and mad at the world. Mad at myself, for being a coward, mad at my family for taking my happiness away, and mad at my circumstances, even though everyone knows being mad at their circumstances only makes things worse.

Confession: it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone I pushed away because I was scared of getting hurt or any other reason. I’m tired of being alone but I can’t go back.

Confession: I’m tired and heartbroken and lonely and that’s my fault. I’m sorry.

love, jane. aka the sort of lost wanderer.

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I Wrote a Poem?!


I had to write a rhyming poem with fifteen details for my English class this morning. Here’s the problem: I don’t read poetry. Let alone write it. (No hate to poems.) This assignment was so difficult for me because of this reason. I’m sure many of you have had this kind of assignment and have felt this way before! If so, be sure to tell me all about it! Anyways, this is the second poem I’ve written, ever, and I’m kind of proud of it to be honest, so I’ll be sharing it here!


My sister, Ella, is the poet of the family. She writes awesome poems; maybe I’ll convince her to let me post on of them.

Let me know what you think, criticism is welcome…just…be gentle, haha. Also, read on till the end to read the very first poem I have ever written, which took place about an hour and a half before I wrote this one. *shakes my head in shame* It was a practice poem, and it had to be about a season other than winter, because my teacher had used winter as an example in class.
I hope you like it!


 

A Mind’s Adventure

Did you know you can go on an adventure without even leaving your bed?

That’s right-an adventure, a journey- right inside your head!

Just use your imagination, go anywhere you want

Narnia, Whoville, or even Vermont!

A world full of wonder, of magic and more

Never really knowing what’s in store

Somewhere you can listen, can taste, can explore

Turkish Delights or Green Eggs and Ham, without leaving your door

Be whoever you want, a king, or a queen, or a soldier in a war

A villain or heroine as beautiful as a waltz on the dance floor

Meet the zeroes to heroes, wear fancy clothes and pose

And brave through the highs and lows as the story goes

Fall in love like leaves dropping in the autumn

Transform into a mermaid who swims along the sea bottom

Smell the scent of the pine as you crack open the spine

And release the beauty of the message filled with sunshine

Feel the heartbreak, the excitement, the anticipation

Get lost in the moment, a lovely salvation

From the troubles of life, the toils and the strife

 

Alas the time comes when the story ends

When you’ll get the sense of love, satisfaction or the need to know more

Though you shouldn’t worry for

The books are boundless, the story immortal

Go and explore,

A book is a portal.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Practice Poem:

In the beautiful spring, the flowers bloom,

as the radiant bride walks to her dashing groom.

While in the moment he smells her perfume,

and can only feel the sense of doom.

But that’s okay because he sees the flowers,

and as they say, “the rose empowers”.

*Shakes my head in shame once again*

May Favorites!

*Featured image taken in the Marina Bay Sands ‘Future Now’ Exhibition, Singapore

I know it’s already mid-June, but I figured it wouldn’t be too late for a May favorites post. I actually really enjoy these types of posts/videos, and it’ll be my first “Favorites” post on this blog! I hope you enjoy!

First off, I’m going to start with Beauty.

Last month, my sisters and I stayed with our grandparents for a couple of weeks. Unlike my family, my grandparents live an extravagant life. I figured that while we were there I might as well use a little more makeup to “fit in”.  There are only a few things in this category, since I only really used these things for two weeks.

bareMinerals ORIGINAL Foundation, Mineral Veil, and Concealer.

I actually really loved using this foundation. I’ve only ever used liquid foundation before, so this powder foundation was a breath of fresh air. It was so light on my skin, and it honestly felt like I wasn’t wearing three layers of makeup at all.

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I got these last year when my mom told me to get a job. I look like I’m twelve as opposed to seventeen, so I had to cheat a little in order to look older.

I used the shade medium beige for foundation, the Original Mineral Veil, and the Well-Rested Concealer.

Urban Decay Travel-Size Eyeshadow Primer Potion. This stuff is magic. Seriously.

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Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner Duo in Black Ink and Sepia Ink. I was gifted these amazing jars of wonder last year and I’ve been wearing them ever since. Especially during the last month. This eyeliner is extremely smooth, pigmented, and is super easy to apply.

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ChapStick Total Hydration (Soothing Oasis). This little bottle of lip balm was a lifesaver. I bought one of these last year during the winter in America, (my Indonesian weather loving body never gets used the the winter, my lips become chapped, hair frizzy, and skin dry. Yuck.) I already used up a bottle and had asked my parents to bring me back another. Give this a try; it’ll work wonders.

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Tech.

I’m not a tech-savvy person. It’s a wonder why I started this blog, honestly. Anyways, the first thing in the category is…

Phone rings! I know, I know, I gave into the trend but these are so great. They’re super convenient, and they’re cute. Although, I may have to get another one because mine is falling apart. Curse you, ring-spinning habit.

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please excuse my paint-stained desk!

OverDrive. This app/website is amazing. You connect your app to your library card(s) and you’ll be able to access your local library’s eBooks and audiobooks! And the best part, it’s completely free.

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Computer Sticky Notes. I have no idea why I didn’t take advantage of these before, but here they are, all over my desktop.

computer sticky notes

Also, I have no idea if YouTube is a part of Tech or not, but what the heck, I’ll add it anyways.

Liza Koshy and David Dobrik. These two people are the funniest people ever. Watching their videos make my day; I can never not have a smile on my face when I watch their videos.

Music.

Bethel Music. I’m not a huge music lover, but this month, I’ve been obsessed with Bethel Music. Their lyrics are so well-written, and I can’t help but stop whatever I’m doing at the moment to just sing my heart out when their music comes on.

Tori Kelly. I’ve always been a fan of Tori Kelly’s music, but when I heard her singing worship music from a few years ago, I loved her even more. You could hear the humility and the love she has for Christ in her voice.

Books.

Throne of Glass and A Court of Thorns and Roses, by Sarah J Maas. I love both of these books soooo much. Head on over to both my reviews to read on instead of just watching me ramble on and on, haha.

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my Throne of Glass review // my A Court of Thorns and Roses review

Well, that’s all I’ve got for my My Favorites post, I hope you enjoyed! If you have used/read/watched/listened/etc to anything listed here let me know, I’d love to read your opinions as well!

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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Bali Musings Day 8-12 | Travel

The rest of my time in Bali blurred together as I packed, babysat, wandered around the island soaking up all the beauty, and spent any spare minute I could with friends. I know I’ll never forget these moments as I grow up. Going to church for the last time was filled with hugs and laughs as we all masked our disappointment. We even went out to lunch with Kat, Jax, and Lyssa. We realized that every time we went somewhere after church, it was with this original group, and every time we’re so tired we’re all delirious, acting crazy and talking nonsense. I remember looking at this group of friends feeling a sudden surge of hope in my chest. I went so long thinking I’ll never make friends to suddenly having three great ones.

All the way up till our last day, I had the time of my life. Even if there were times I broke down and gave into the feeling of hopelessness, realizing I’m leaving the place where my whole life consisted, yet again. I pushed that aside, though. I refuse to feel that way. This move will be good for my family and I, I repeated in my head. This is good. 

As days of bowling, bird parks, and escape rooms past, and the day of the move looms closer, we put the finishing touches on our house. I went outside to take a Polaroid photo of the home we lived in for the past two years, smiling at all the memories. I realized that I am more than satisfied with the time we spent here. Staring at my house, I looked back at the memories forever engraved in my head: the beach, friends, church and ministry, stepping out of my comfort zone, and feeling and being closer to God than I ever had before. And later, sitting on the plane towards Jakarta, I can finally start feeling excited for the new adventures waiting for me there.

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Wow! The last post of the Bali Musings series. I hope you all enjoyed, I know I have! I hope you didn’t mind the ups and downs of my emotions over the week, this was literally my inner monologue during this time.

This was the place of many firsts for me, and I was so glad it was here. Living in Bali was never meant to be permanent, and so is living in Jakarta. I guess growing up in this certain lifestyle affected my way of feeling and allowing myself to feel accepted and that I belonged. Unfortunately for me, as I began to feel that way I only had a few months left, only I didn’t know it yet. I hope I can feel that way in Jakarta again. I hope I won’t allow myself to build walls around my heart so tall that it takes years to break them down again. I hope I let people in, even though I know I’ll leave again.

Bye for now, Bali.

love, jane. aka the unlost wanderer.

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